Who Should I Marry by Kingsley Okonkwo [Summary] 

Main Summary: Who Should I Marry by Kingsley Okonkwo is a book that reveals the biblical and practical qualities to look for in a spouse. So you can make the right choice in marriage and ultimately fulfill God’s purpose for your life.

Lessons You’ll Learn From This Post

• Are They in Christ
• What’s Their Character Like
• Can Their Capacity Handle Marriage
• Are They the Kind You Can Enjoy Companionship With
• Are You Compatible
• Do You Have Chemistry
• Is It About Complimenting? 
• Are They Committed
• Do You Have Conviction
• Are You Both Open to Counselling

As a believer you don’t have the same nature with an unbeliever. It’s like a fish marrying a human being—where will they live?

Are They in Christ? 

• The most important factor in choosing who to marry is that the person must be in Christ (born again, saved, Spirit-filled).
• There is a big difference between someone who is just “good” or “moral” and someone who has the Spirit of God. A good moralist without Christ still operates under the influence of sin.
• The world is spiritual—people are either influenced by the Spirit of God or by the devil. An unbeliever is naturally controlled by sin, while the Holy Spirit guides a believer.
• Marriage is spiritual in origin (God created it, not man). Therefore, one who is not born again lacks the spiritual capacity to handle marriage properly.
• A believer marrying an unbeliever is compared to mixing water and oil—it cannot work because their natures are fundamentally different.
• Trying to marry an unbeliever with the hope of “changing them” is dangerous. Only God changes people, not human effort.
• Unequal yoking (believer + unbeliever) creates inevitable conflict, confusion, and spiritual imbalance in marriage.

Also read When Am I Ready by Kingsley Okonkwo [Summary]

Trust is the fuel of marriage; when character is questionable, the foundation is already broken.

What’s Their Character Like? 

• Character is more important than beauty, charm, or attraction. Beauty fades, but godly character lasts.
• Many marriages fail because they were built on looks, emotions, or lust instead of character.
• A person who lies, cheats, or lacks integrity before marriage will continue those habits after marriage.
• Violence, rebellion against authority, or lack of self-control are signs of bad character that should not be ignored.
• Trust is the foundation of marriage—without it, suspicion, monitoring, and constant tension will destroy the relationship.
• Attending church or holding a church title does not guarantee character; true godliness is seen in daily living.
• Marriage does not automatically change a person; whoever cheats or lacks discipline before marriage will likely continue afterward.
• Ultimately, marry someone whose fear of God is reflected in their actions and integrity.

Capacity simply means maturity—financially, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, socially, and physically.

Can Their Capacity Handle Marriage? 

• Capacity means maturity—the ability to handle the demands and responsibilities of marriage.
• Most marriages fail not because of a lack of love but because of selfishness and immaturity.
• Before marriage, ask yourself: “Do I have the capacity to take care of another person?”
• Financial capacity is crucial—marriage involves bills and responsibilities, so a man must be independent and able to provide.
• A man must “leave father and mother” physically, financially, and emotionally to be ready for marriage.
• Women also need capacity: wives must manage a home, control emotions, and demonstrate maturity beyond girlish fantasies.
• Emotional capacity is vital—rushing into marriage out of lust or pressure shows immaturity and leads to problems later.
• Spiritual capacity is equally important—since marriage is spiritual, both partners must be spiritually mature and grounded.
• Marriage is not for boys and girls; it is for men and women who are ready and capable.

The real thing you will do in marriage is hanging out; if both of you cannot talk now, you will bore yourselves to death.

Also read A-Z of Marriage by Kingsley & Mildred Okonkwo [Summary]

Are They the Kind You Can Enjoy Companionship With? 

• Marriage is not just an assignment or duty; it is living with your friend.
• Don’t try to make your spouse your friend after marriage; instead, marry your friend—someone you naturally connect with.
• Many couples live like co-workers (roles only: husband provides, wife cooks and raises kids) without friendship or intimacy.
• True companionship means enjoying each other’s company, talking freely, and sharing life’s interests.
• A husband or wife who isn’t your friend will look for friendship outside—leading to distance, loneliness, or infidelity.
• Friendship brings transparency and realness, while relationships based on pretense or superficial attraction often fail.
• The bulk of marriage is not prayer, Bible study, or even sex—it is spending time and hanging out together.
• Friendship requires mutual interests and openness; couples should learn and enjoy what the other enjoys.
• Real intimacy in marriage comes from friendship, not just roles or romance.

Compatibility is not about being identical; it is about having the same direction.

Are You Compatible? 

• Compatibility means agreement and alignment in values, vision, and lifestyle.
• Marriage is smoother when couples share similar outlooks on life, faith, family, and priorities.
• Being in love is not enough—if you are not compatible, constant conflict will wear down the relationship.
• Compatibility affects everything: money management, decision-making, family upbringing, spiritual beliefs, and even daily habits.
• Amos 3:3 asks, “Can two walk together except they be agreed?” Agreement is the foundation for peace in marriage.
• While opposites may attract, if the differences are too wide in core values, they will create frustration and division.
• Compatibility does not mean sameness, but shared direction—you don’t have to be identical, but you must be able to move in the same direction.
• Without compatibility, love alone cannot sustain marriage; it becomes a struggle rather than a partnership.

Also read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman [Summary]

True chemistry is more than looks; it is the bond that grows deeper when mixed with friendship and trust.

Do You Have Chemistry? 

• Chemistry refers to the spark and natural attraction between two people—it is an important but not sufficient factor in marriage.
• Physical attraction, emotional connection, and natural bonding make a relationship exciting and enjoyable.
• Lack of chemistry can make marriage feel like a burden, while too much focus on chemistry without other factors (character, compatibility, etc.) leads to problems.
• Chemistry must be balanced with commitment, values, and godly principles; feelings alone cannot hold a marriage.
• Many relationships collapse because they were based only on passion, looks, or excitement without deeper foundations.
• True chemistry in marriage grows stronger when combined with friendship, trust, and spiritual unity.
• It should never be the only basis for marriage, but it does help keep the relationship lively and joyful.

The beauty of marriage is in learning to appreciate the strength in your partner’s difference.

Is It About Complimenting? 

• Marriage is about two people complementing each other, not competing with each other.
• God designed men and women with differences so they could balance one another’s weaknesses and strengths.
• A good spouse should add value to your life, helping you become a better version of yourself.
• Competition in marriage creates strife; complementarity brings harmony and teamwork.
• Each partner should recognize that their spouse is not meant to be a replica of them, but a support and balance.
• The goal is to complete, not compete—marriage works when both people appreciate their differences as assets.
• When one partner tears the other down, the union suffers; but when they complement each other, the marriage thrives.

Without commitment, marriage becomes a contract; with commitment, it becomes a covenant.

Also read The Dignity of Manhood by Gbile Akanni [Summary]

Are They Committed? 

• Commitment is the glue that holds marriage together when feelings fade or challenges arise.
• Love in marriage is not just about emotions—it is about a decision to stay faithful and dedicated.
• Every marriage will face storms; it is commitment, not just chemistry or attraction, that keeps the union strong.
• Commitment means loyalty, faithfulness, and consistency, even when circumstances change.
• Many marriages fail because people enter with a “trial mindset” instead of a covenant mindset.
• Real love is proven by sacrifice and endurance; it is not measured only by romance or words.
• Commitment involves standing by your spouse in tough times, not abandoning them when things get hard.

When you are sure God is in it, no storm can take you out of it.

Do You Have Conviction? 

• Conviction means being sure and settled in your heart about who you are marrying.
• Entering marriage with doubt, pressure, or external influence is dangerous—it weakens the foundation.
• You need a personal assurance from God, not just the opinions of friends, family, or emotions.
• Conviction helps you stay committed when challenges come, because you know you are in God’s will.
• Many people rush into marriage because of age, desperation, or societal pressure, but without conviction, they later regret it.
• Conviction gives peace and confidence, while a lack of it leaves you vulnerable to confusion and comparison.
• The right conviction is both spiritual (God’s leading) and practical (agreement in values, vision, and lifestyle).

Premarital counselling reveals the blind spots that love and emotions often cover.

Are You Both Open to Counselling? 

• Counselling is an essential step before marriage because it provides wisdom, guidance, and perspective.
• Many marital problems could be avoided if couples went through proper premarital counselling.
• Counselling exposes blind spots—issues you may not notice about yourself, your partner, or your relationship.
• God places pastors, mentors, and spiritual leaders in our lives to guide us; ignoring their counsel is risky.
• Counselling does not replace God’s leading, but it confirms and provides practical wisdom.
• Couples who refuse counselling often enter marriage unprepared, leading to preventable conflicts.
• Submitting to counselling shows humility and a willingness to learn, which are key traits for a lasting marriage.

In conclusion, marriage is ultimately about fulfilling God’s purpose, not just companionship or attraction. Choosing rightly—with Christ, character, capacity, compatibility, and commitment—positions you for a purposeful and joyful union. With conviction and godly counsel, you can build a marriage that glorifies God and achieves destiny.

Finally, here’s a question we would love you to answer.

With the qualities shared in this post,  can you say you are ready to find or be found by another? 

We would love to hear from you. Please leave your answer and comment in the comment box below.

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